Saturday, October 12, 2013

neurology

We said goodbye to Children's Hospital this week. She moves on to adulthood and adult decisions. I am at peace with this and with the choices she will make. I sat, mostly passive and listening until questioned. I let her explain her plans of folic acid, holistic nutrition and motorcycle riding. She justified the danger and her rebut was laced with the wisdom of someone who has not had control and yet flowed with it. Biking, at least you can look where you want to go...and usually get there. The intern reminds her of the lesion, the vulnerability of her head...She is nonplussed and responds when the neurologist echos the vulnerability, but is referring to all motorcyclists...not just her. I am suppressing a smile and the urge to repeat how dangerous it is to walk across a street in Vancouver, bicycle and a flurry of things come to mind. Biting my inner cheeks, I don't defend. I just smile and let them know that I ride as well. They are both wide-eyed and I don't think expecting this. Their warnings quell and turn to curiosity - as though I am an anomaly. There are some things you cannot explain.They have either never done it...didn't like it...or fear encompassed them and stole the joy of the wide open space that envelopes and takes you in to become a part of it. My hope is, for all my kids, that they will develop their own perspective, without prejudice; they will embrace new things and bank with the fear instead of trying to avoid it - that makes for a messy, dangerous corner. I hope they will know they cannot control everything, but that is not always negative. I want them to experience the twists of the roads, and the unknown around the corners...and be okay with that. I will be fine if the I-5 is their choice too. Predictable with clear road signs and lots of places along the way. There will still be junctions - choices and bumps and fear. That is life. I anticipate that they will have a mixture of the interstate with the wend and bend tree lined tarmac...and they will be fine.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

isn't it??

really all unknown? That is how I feel today. Having participated in a meeting that felt disjointed...someone popping in and out of the conversation - answering pagers - and reminding us he had to leave in less than 10 minutes. He is so important I expect...though as I reflect I believe this is in his own mind more than mine. How can someone in the field of caring for a patient expect a flit of attention is all that is necessary? A young man's life hangs in the balance of this. Someone hurt, confused and trying ever so hard to be heard over the din of that pager. I am mad...on a rampage really...and deeply saddened that all will not be right today. Articulation could not have happened for thoughts need space to emanate. If I am honest what I see is a wounded child trying ever so hard to be heard..and a beautiful person..

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Health - a blip can change things - sometimes temporarily, other times forever. Our vulnerability becomes apparent with the news of illness. For Mik, she is now on the worry-end of this. Visiting the hospital daily with her boyfriend. Trying to understand the doctors, the tests, the pills and what everything means. She is thrown into that world of hand-sanitizer and fluorescent lights...visiting hours and tiredness for both of them. My heart aches and breaks for her. She does not deserve this, is how I feel. Who does though? Watching her navigate this interruption I see she is the strongest person I know.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Notebook

watching the last few minutes of The Notebook...James Garner in tears when his love is upset and succumbing to dementia..instantly the recognition of how I feel when Mikee is having a seizure...helpless, speechless, frustrated, frail, did I mention helpless? For some reason it helped to see on film the emotion that has choked me and rendered me spent. The constancy of watching over her ended a while ago but every so often the reminder of the tornado that ripped through our lives arrives as a sign that she is still on too many pills and is too fragile for an 18 year old to deal with. I am grateful she does not appear to stew in the bitter juices of her reality.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

She is Well

...and I think that the hovering is over...really...!? She has been traveling since November until the end of December...feeding, watering, medicating and navigating herself to get from Cairns to Melbourne. More than 3500kms of roads and self sufficiency. Her stories have quelled many of my fears.."I slept when needed...and mostly ate tomato and avocados with mangos from the trees"... She looks amazing and healthy at our meet...dropped by a taxi as the last 30kms were too difficult to navigate. We are all relieved to see her..smell and all. We move on to family reunion stuff...some great...some tension....8 people in a small apartment can get that way. 40 celsius will also melt all brains to mush and tensions, emotion and tempers will prevail beyond any and all reason... But...we are together. Anderson clan enjoying family.. A Tiki bar is a wonderful release of dance and party..though one 18 year old was over the limit and had 7 others escorting her home...She danced a dance and sang a song..but in the end she is a lightweight in the cocktail or shot department although she assured me that she was "completely fine...momma"..her swaying and slurring did not quell my suspicion that she had perhaps enjoyed the last few months more than I expected. The story I tell of her now is that of the adventurer...the one who jumped from a plane...swam the Great Barrier Reef, met travellers, slept with crocodiles and saw koalas... There is a release in my soul...

Friday, November 23, 2012

Chill

She is there with her sister experiencing Oz...specifically Melbourne. We skype with her before the "epic" part of the journey begins in Cairns. "Dad, please don't text me every few minutes..I can't text back...it is expensive!" she pleads emphatically. I appear to be the chill one. "He does that?" I query...."Really?" He is laughing, that embarrassed laugh a parent gets at being chastised. "I mean it Dad....puleeeezzzz." "You wait 'til you're a parent," he uses with puppy dog eyes reminding her how loyal he is. We bid adieu and still the reality of her adventure has not registered fully. I am trying to remain in denial. It is much easier as I have no control with her as far as away from me as almost possible on this earth. Nestled in bed uncomfortable, unbidden thoughts begin. What if she loses her purse and her medicine is in her purse.... I arise and text her sister, hoping she has not left the airport yet. Hoping her sister can remind her of all the things I want to say right now but can't. Back in bed thoughts are churning. Anxiety rises and falls with the placating of logic to quell the fear. The logic, just the reminder that I have trained her well enough to manage without me always. The logic also that nothing can be controlled....even "epic" adventures. I am sure she will have stories to tell of the Great Barrier Reef...of the kindness and unkindness of strangers...of how wonderful and awe inspiring places and moments and memories are. Love you my dear....have fun...

Friday, November 16, 2012

Journey to the other side of the world....

...alone...Vancouver to Sydney and then on to Melbourne... and she missed the flight to Melbourne. I am standing chatting with my team and saying how she is just landing when my Kimee texts that she missed the plane. Heart drops and then nervously I laugh at the joke on me. Our family does this...tease at the obvious that could happen.. She really did miss the flight. Apparently deplaning is a major event when you have been sitting for more than 15 hours... I am still waiting on her arrival in Melbourne. Geema is now tracking her plane. She's 37 minutes out was the last report...I am so grateful she has a computer and is part of the adventure.... The munchkin will soon arrive and then take off in a few days for an adventure down under. Snakes, spiders and jellyfish await her observation. This journey will be a lot like the last few years for us. Uncharted territory, scary moments and opening up to the big wide world that she had never experienced. As you follow the road in the land of Oz I hope you collect the people along the way that will lead you to where you want to go. See you down there honey!