October 27, 2009
It seems like a normal day. Rice is cooking. Kids are drawn to the kitchen by the smell. The dog barks, the phone rings. Normalcy seems tangible in the midst of everything else. Then my twenty year old son engages me in a conversation that I want to walk away from because of exhaustion, but I am compelled to stay at because of the intensity of my love for him. He needs this verbal sparring. He needs a compelling reason to exercise the thoughts that are oozing out of him. He captivates me in a conversation about politics, government, freedom, taxes and life at a time where I have little to spare. His ideas are provocative, shocking and scary to me. His next adventure isn’t to Europe, Asia or Australia. He is determined to set out in the world with little else than his smile to see what it holds. He will go where he lands, without plans, or money. It is his intention to leave it all behind. His optimism at his ability to thrive without is juxtaposed by his negative views in the previous spar.
My mother heart is aching. I want to keep him close to home. I want him to fall in love, have a career, a house….but do I really want it now? This is his challenge to me. He was born an old soul. A soul that thinks and cares deeply about humanity. A soul that is affected by the hurts of others, especially those who cannot fight for themselves.. Injustice to him is a threat to all justice. His reasoning helps me to understand that he does not want to live with regret at never having done what was on his heart. How can I possibly not encourage this?
And so, reluctantly, and with tears, I release him willingly and with all my heart, yearn for him to follow his dream. I long for him to listen to the wind and follow it. I feel lighter in my soul though fatigue is overwhelming me. In the morning I make the trek to Children’s’ Hospital to find out if my youngest needs brain surgery. She is listening to everything as we talk and absorbing our respect for each other. And so, after dinner tonight I make cookies. Again they are drawn to the kitchen. The smell entices them. Normalcy is life.
Afterthought….October 30th Mikaela has a Craniotomy to remove a blood clot from her brain