Reluctantly I let her go to the party. I didn’t tell her to her face but she knew. “It will be fine Mom” does not allay my concerns. I know what teenagers need, but I am still inclined to hold her tight and keep her safe. When she is gone it is the first time in almost three months that I am alone with my husband….completely alone. This is foreign to us as our house has been a cacophony of voices and activity. Music has blared, movies played at all hours the dishwasher and washing machine in constant hum…..and suddenly it is quiet. A nice quiet. The quiet that accompanies peace. The quiet that allows for relaxation instead of worry.
We dismantle the Christmas decorations and begin to put the house in order. It feels good to see the extra space. My cell phone is quiet and I am determined not to text or call her. She needs this. Inside I wonder if she is fine, but outside I am determined to show a brave front. We go for dinner and laugh with our eighteen year old and her boyfriend. In those moments I actually forget that I should worry about Mikee. I feel completely normal. Completely detached from any worry. She texts to me and it is to pick her up later….she is feeling great without a trace of an impending seizure. It has been two whole days…in fact the entire year she has been without a seizure.
I breathe a sigh of relief when she returns beaming but tired. It is selfish to think that she is safe now….but it is how I feel. As though we are the only ones that can protect her. I know this is not entirely true. I know that she will need to lean on others but since this all began she has been surrounded by the family like a tight cocoon. For the most part she has accepted the excessive swaddling, and only occasionally has balked.
Tonight has been great for both of us. Mik showed the confidence that she can do things without continual fear. If something happens next time, so be it. She knows she cannot control her health, but she can control her response to her situation. That is what I like the most about Mikee right now. The courage to face what she has to and the wherewithal to know that it might mean things get a little out of control.
Things are different this new year. I am emotionally spent from these past three months but it has also jolted perspective into my life and in the example that a wise fifteen year old has shown me it is my response to the situation that matters.
Afterthoughts…..she did have a seizure that night. She was able to go to a quiet room and it worked out…..