I barely recognize myself now. I don’t remember having these thoughts and feelings…and I don’t know when and where they began. I do know that I am quickly becoming what I don’t want to be. I am seeing the transformation and feeling powerless to stop it.
The change seemed to place so gradually that like a frog in hot water, I did not notice the temperature until it got too hot and then I was about to be cooked. Here I am at almost 2:00am trying to recapture the moment of my demise…..the moment that I slid into the abyss of the confusion and allowed myself to be controlled by the emotional underpinnings of her illness.
It all started so positive - positive meaning hopeful. Today it has been 3 months and 6 days of trying to be optimistic. She has been amazing through it all…I on the other hand, began to mask the fear, the exhaustion, and anxiety. I pretend it is not there but turn to sugar or wine, or anything that will seemingly distract me momentarily from the imminent pain of what we are walking through. The problem is, I am becoming what I don’t want to be….I have become the one with the problem. and she the one with the illness.
She sang a Queen song for me earlier today….showing me her friends writing on the wall….”no escape from reality” in beautiful multicolour hit me between the eyes. There really is no escape from reality….not for long….alcohol can numb you momentarily….sugar can please you for a moment…but soon that will fade. Instead I want to find something positive to turn to. Something that will sustain me through the long run instead of sending me soaring and crashing harder back to reality. From where can I find this manna I so deeply need?