I have settled into a funk now.....and not the kind with the word "groovy" or "hip". The kind of funk I am in is the one that feels like you are struggling to breathe amidst the chaos of loud music and stale cigarette smoke. Most days it goes by unnoticed, until something snaps me into my reality. Only then do I want to sigh audibly and try to find some fresh air.
I was explaining this to my friend today. Trying to put into words the feelings that engulf me. She got it right away. She understood that even when everything is going great and there are no seizures....there is still the threat hanging over.
Mik had lay on the floor just as we were leaving for the dentist. My heart sinks as this is the posture I am familiar with. I expect we will be late until she gets up and had just been resting. I want to tell her to rest a different way. I want to let her know that her every move is under my scrutiny, and yet do I really want that for her? Do I want her to stop and think through all she does? She gets that I think something is wrong. "Next time I will give you a thumbs up when I lay there", is her solution. "That would work" I say, though really I will ask anyways. I know I will. I will try not to, I will try to find some other way to gauge where she is at....but finding none I will ask the inevitable question once again.
And so,I am here amidst the din and funk with a magnifying glass on Mik.....