Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Profile Update

For any of you that follow this blog...I changed my profile description recently. Yes, my daughter still has seizures....but they are infrequent. The update was prompted by one of the doctors last Tuesday. A simple question that resonated deep within me. She asked Mik if she was ready to walk through the door to healing now. Mikee enthusiastically said yes. "When would you like to see me again?" she asked. When Mik thought about it, she decided that she had a busy summer and that perhaps after school had started. "This is the answer I wanted." she told us. Healing is as much as knowing you are healed as it is feeling your are healed.

For Mik, she needs to move on. This will always be a part of her. We do not know if she will always have her seizures under control. We do not know if all the blood on her brain has dissolved yet. We still have questions - and yes - there are fears that remain unspoken. But, for the first time in several months, Mikee feels that she is in control of her life, instead of letting her medical situation control her.

We will continue our visits to Neurology and Neurosurgery for follow-up...but it will feel different now. We can change the appointment if it conflicts with a test, or a field-trip. I can take them off speed dial now.

And so, I need to move on too. I needed to change my profile, though it still tells a story. I have been thinking of changing other things too. I want a new job. I want new experiences. I want to continue to live each day with wonder and awe. I want who I am to be reflected in what I write....especially about myself. And, I want to walk through that door with Mikee and put it all behind us.
Yesterday, as I was watching a cooking show that was tantalizing me, I realized how much my tastes had changed, of late. The thought of bunches of cilantro would have caused me to make retching sounds at one time, and yet not now. The evolution of a life...the journey that takes us through uncharted waters daily.

I can't say that I decided to accept cilantro. I think it was an accidental discovery, camouflaged and unrecognizable except for the distinct flavor. On further inquiry I realized that, in fact, I loved this flavor. Perhaps I had too quickly discounted the hint of woody bitters. Since the clandestine encounter, I have enjoyed it more and more.

And now, this cooking show has reminded me, not to be too set in my ways lest I miss out on something I would really love. It has reminded me that I am not the same person that I was yesterday. The evolution of my life.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I am in awe of the brain. The recognition and decoding that happens before the eye can blink astounds me. The fact that this grey matter can process and produce intelligible answers, imagery, sounds, and movement is prodigious and humbling. Mikaela's experience with neurosurgery and neurology has allowed us to peek into unknown worlds where neurons and angiomas, electrical activity and lesions are everyday vocabulary.

We are back at neurology today. She will try to convince the doctors to wean her off of Tegretol. Her argument is good. It has been rehearsed, several times, on me. She is learning to read the clues when she needs rest, or less stress. This alone convinces me that she has moved on to healing and been an integral part of it. The warmth and carefree days of summer is almost upon us. I know we will luxuriate in them.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Foot in Mouth

I know I am not the only one that has had athlete's tongue...but when you see the effect of it, you relive the moment, over and over. I woke up in the night replaying the words and wondered if it was a faux pas - or a moment of truth. I called a spade a spade last night, but it was in front of other spades who make me acutely aware that I am a diamond. I cannot be part of their runs, nor any flush.

And so, I ruminate, masticate and attempt several emails to explain, only to wisely discard them yet again before I hit the send. There are some people, who no matter how clearly you can logically explain your reasoning, have their thoughts set in stone, proudly. I give too much consideration to try to climb over that wall to achieve harmony.

Instead, perhaps a good oral rinse.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The sun is absolutely glorious and we are enjoying every minute of it. For Mik it meant that she was able to go for a walk (with her cell phone) and for me it meant I was able to venture to the beach on my motorcycle. Both of us were caught up in the euphoria of the moment of freedom. Not that we are confined like a straight-jacket to each other and this house....but just that change in and of itself gives us space to think, reflect, and especially appreciate that summer is almost here.

The pool is not heated yet.....for some reason Mik cannot convince her dad it is time. For her it seems a punishment...as it does for him. Once the pool is heated it means the nightly ritual of circling the pool for leaves...vacuuming.....testing the water.....and of course jumping in with or without clothes as soon as all rites are performed, is not something you commit to quickly.

Ken is watching hockey....and groaning. A grown man is so affected by what other grown men accomplish. Their daytime rituals change....their nighttime rituals especially. Playoff beards are growing.....flags, towels and talisman are taken out. This, I think, is the reason that the pool cannot be heated. The couch and TV await him every second night. As I type this his team is down 3 nothing.....and so the chances that he watches hockey again on Thursday have quickly faded. Perhaps the pool will be heated after all.........

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Today we woke up early, got ready and took her to school for a field trip with the Grade 10 class. I had a lump in my throat at how abnormal it was. It was the first time since October that she has done this. It amazes me how quickly I adapted to having to have her within reach of me for all these months. A few have called me brave for letting her go. Her friends had all urged her to come...the same friends that have been through the worry with us. The same friends she had to text before she was put under for her surgery, just to say she would be okay. She was comforting them.

Her doctors all felt that it was time to transition back to normalcy. They want her to take on a little more stress at a time. I am transitioning too, though my normal will never quite feel the same.

When she gets home not much seems to have changed. Her life was interrupted these past 7 months, but she seemed back in the groove of things after hundreds of hugs and lots of compassion. It feels good that the sun is shining and the plants are taking root....we have entered a new season.