Friday, August 27, 2010

Patience

Some days I like that I am a patient person....but I have been on hold for minutes now and the recording is telling me "You are a real trooper." Somehow this makes me more edgy. A trooper because I am listening to Lady GaGa is true. I have no idea who would choose that as the music of choice. It seems quite a slim percentage of the population would purposely listen to the Lady. Now the recording is telling me "Good things come to those that wait." I am not sure they realize I am trying to troubleshoot why I cannot pay my bill online...and that isn't really a "good" thing from my vantage point. The Lady has ended and I am now listening to techno-pop...with what sounds like a dog barking in unison with the entourage of singers. Where did they get this music? Who would it appeal to? And yet...here I am, listening to incomprehensible lyrics, scratching and bleeping so that I can make sure they get their money.

Finally, a live voice greets me to tell me there is a technical issue on the website and that I will need to check back later this evening. He doesn't even seem to want my money. They are a patient company obviously. Perhaps the music has numbed them into a pseudo reality of strobe lights, always leaving them a bit of light short of actuality.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I am not an egomaniac, although it might appear that way. I read my own blog. I think it is to edit or perhaps to make sure I am telling the truth. I am crying now at reading through my past year. Knowing so much has happened and grateful for every day. Through everything a realization of all that is important and noble is clear. It is also a reminder of how fragile each moment in time can be. From leaning on my dad to not knowing if he would be here today....life is precious and dear. I read my blog to remind me that we have walked some difficult trails. I read my blog to remind me that all is still well although there are tears.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

For any that follow us regularly, you know the ups and downs of Mikee's medical issues. We are currently trying to figure out the down. Is it in anticipation of school? Is it stress/hormones/insomnia? I am almost confident that this is just another blip. Neurology will sort us out yet again...but will this mean a change in meds? Weaning on..weaning off....blood tests, levels, scans and EEG's. We were sure that was over now. We were moving forward..walking through that door to healing. Healed.

I refuse to let discouragement cloud us. Instead I expect that she will need further scrutiny. Fall is almost here and a new season. I am so ready to move to something new, but wonder if this is wise. To will a new beginning when we have not finished the chapter.

Tonight has been filled with drool and tears, heartache and fear. Neurology think it may be a reaction to Ativan, even though she has had it before. I waffle between bravery an despair.

She is waffling between feeling high and tears, nausea and confusion.

It is quiet now. I have written this over several hours. My heart pours into these words that I need to voice. I need to be heard amidst it all lest I numb myself in anxiety and torment.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Thanks Mik

In the dead of night we could hear her. Sleep clouding my mind, I could not make out what the sound was until adrenalin jolted me to reality. It seems those nanoseconds of realization cause my heart to beat in my ears and drown out the chaos in her room. I think she is telling me she is hot...I try to take off the blankets, but she grabs them back and rocks and cries. I feel helpless again...like I am looking for something to do that will change the situation. She is finished now, exhausted and hoarse. I return to bed only to be confronted by sleeplessness and thoughts. I am resigned that it means nothing. I am resigned that not much has changed, and yet deep within I know that fear lingers within my heart. I wish she could have an MRI tomorrow to rule out the possibility of more bleeding. I wish that there were no unknowns. I finally drift to sleep after 4:00 a.m. My sluggishness a reminder of her struggles. Today she is studying for her provincial exam. Hours and hours of notes and cue cards are being poured over. Covalent bonds and ecosystems reviewed. She moves on so easily. She just wants to do what is in front of her. Pressing on and living today...doing the task at hand. I have her to thank for so many reminders.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Contentment

Quite suddenly the weather changed to mist and grey snapping me back to the reality that I really don't want summer to end. I want more beach days. I want more gardening - even if last week I was longing for the routine of curling up. I don't really know what I want most of the time anyways. I can be like that. I don't want to be, though. I don't want to a health scare to appreciate health....or war to appreciate peace...or rain to appreciate sun. I want to be reminded to live in the now....love the rain and the sun. Perhaps a thread tied around my finger? Maybe a moment each morning to notice the now. Something....anything to jolt me enough to serenity and contentedness......

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Scars and Marks

Soon Mik will be returning to school. She is actually still finishing Grade 10 right now....but after Labour Day she will be back to the routine of life. I know she is looking forward to ordinary days after the chaos an uncertainty she has faced. I have decided to do something new too. I haven't quite figured out what that might be, but my soul has been craving for a new routine.

Mik also turns 16 in September. I lament that she will not be able to get her Learner's License to drive. She has tried to convince me that because of the heartbreak, she would be consoled by a tattoo. I laugh at her persistence with this. She wants something to mark this moment in time. We have not relented yet.....but I can feel my arm get rubbery every time she sets up the dialogue on all the reasons she feels it is appropriate. I'll never hear the end of it from her siblings. Trying always to be fair isn't easy when the game is changed - or the child. And so, as I masticate over this body altering decision, bearing in mind she has one heck of a scar that is worth a lifetime of memories...