Thursday, August 12, 2010
In the dead of night we could hear her. Sleep clouding my mind, I could not make out what the sound was until adrenalin jolted me to reality. It seems those nanoseconds of realization cause my heart to beat in my ears and drown out the chaos in her room. I think she is telling me she is hot...I try to take off the blankets, but she grabs them back and rocks and cries. I feel helpless again...like I am looking for something to do that will change the situation. She is finished now, exhausted and hoarse. I return to bed only to be confronted by sleeplessness and thoughts. I am resigned that it means nothing. I am resigned that not much has changed, and yet deep within I know that fear lingers within my heart. I wish she could have an MRI tomorrow to rule out the possibility of more bleeding. I wish that there were no unknowns. I finally drift to sleep after 4:00 a.m. My sluggishness a reminder of her struggles. Today she is studying for her provincial exam. Hours and hours of notes and cue cards are being poured over. Covalent bonds and ecosystems reviewed. She moves on so easily. She just wants to do what is in front of her. Pressing on and living today...doing the task at hand. I have her to thank for so many reminders.