Tuesday, September 21, 2010

As the rain was blinding me I felt regret at wishing fall was here. Longing to languish in the sun has replaced the need for routine. Friday was such a great diversion from both the weather and routine. Twenty five of us awaited her return in hopes of overwhelming her with balloons, noise and hugs. She ran in the door, taken aback. She then proceeded to hug and thank every person. "Gramma" her voice lilted, and then noticing others - "Grandma and Grandpa, Thank you for coming." She did this with all of them. Her sisters, her brother she sees every day, all her friends. I love this about her. She notices everyone, and includes them. I also love that when she was thrown in the pool by Andrew, one by one the party started to join her. Even Gramma joined in lest she miss the fun. I love that with reckless abandon her and her friends were belting out songs on Karaoke. I love that they danced and laughed and celebrated her 16th birthday. We do know how to throw a party...but it sure helps when the enthusiasm spills to the skeptics and make it an epic event.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I Feel a Little Lame

We are full into fall today. The rain hasn't stopped and we are running for cover lest we rust. The first week was going great. She was overwhelmed with schedule changes as well as the number of people that were around her. On Friday, as I was listening far too loudly to the radio, I missed a call. Then I missed another. When I finally checked my phone and saw the school had called, not once, but twice, my heart fell. Then my Samee called and said Mr. Nill had called. Mr. Nill is the Principal of discipline at the school. I have had to talk to him more than once for other kids. I was confused still. Finally, I catch up to him, somewhat thinking that maybe my sweet Mik has been naughty. I highly doubt that, for even if she tried no one would believe she actually was. That is just the kind of kid she is. That is why she was apologizing when she would finish a seizure, as though she had not prevented it from happening. Of course, I realize there has probably been an "incident" at school. He confirmed this, and that things were under control. I then have the teacher calling me. He explained that her friend escorted her from the class after she exhibited unusual behavior. He had others follow and was quick to get his first aid kit.

I immediately feel guilty that I have not filled the school in on all that has been happening. Some have known through private conversations, but most had just assumed that she went elsewhere last year. I try to synopsize everything and ask the teacher to share it with the staff. They know what to do, and when to call me. They know that she will want to return to normal as soon as possible, but that she will need to rest. They know that she and others may find this difficult. They are okay with that. So, now I have to be too. I have to know that it might not always be ideal. She may make people uncomfortable, and she may be herself. She may be whispered about. She may be vulnerable...but most of all, I count her as brave and courageous. She will not be defined by any condition, she will not be defined by her seizures as much as she does not want to be defined as being the baby of the family, or by any label that will constrict her growth. And so, I have to be comfortable with the unknown once again ... and keep up the journey.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I couldn't embarrass her and get teary-eyed. It felt like her first day of grade one. "I'll wait alone, you go for a run" she says. "Okay!" I say a little too enthusiastically. I wasn't anxious or enthusiastic. It was just different. "I have my Ativan," she reassures me. So much has to be unsaid. I keep a check on my thoughts and emotions.

I leave her with her cute new Vans and the beginnings of her dreads. Her purple woven purse. teal sweater and orange tye-dye scarf around her neck, look surprisingly in sync with who she is. She didn't take her rat to school, though I am surprised as I have found Lucy has been all over the city and in a few restaurants undetected.

She is back to normalcy. Classes, chaos, drama, laughter, sitting in the halls. Although she groaned last night at getting up early, I can tell that she wouldn't change this for the world.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I know I should never laugh at this. It is wrong for a Mom. But I am. My sweet little baby, who seemed all cocky to borrow my car for a trip called me from a city that was not related to where she wanted to be. "I'm pissed" she says, as I suppress a snicker. "You need to go back a bit and then" not telling them directly they are hours out of the way. So how did I miss telling her to watch for 97C Highway...for Kelowna? The same way I missed telling her to floss every day or her teeth would fall out. The same way I told her many times that her marks would matter at some point in her life - when she finally decided on post-secondary education. (sigh) I wish I were there to steer her always....I am not.....I provided the vehicle...that is all I could do. The rest is up to her now.