Saturday, October 23, 2010

There is a lump in my throat as I mechanically walk through Costco...numb. Tears well at the thought of the past 24 hours. Disquiet over Mik is only part of the gloom that is aching in my throat. Her day yesterday was bad and last night was a reminder of how burdensome our year has been. The awkwardness for some who happened upon a bad day was onerous. Tears and fear, and a deeper understanding of the struggle that has been our companion. I am used to this, for the most part. I am used to the crying, the anxiety, the reaction of others. I try to assuage their pity but today I welcome it.

Darkness enveloped as dear friends disclosed the apparent dissolution of their relationship. Nothing would have prepared me for the grief that suffocated me. The hopes and dreams I have and hold ran through my fingers. I am left bereft.

Today, Mikee is coifing for a birthday party. Still exhausted from the physical toll of yesterday, I see hesitation in her steps. My respite is a walk with my friend. The air clears my head and gives perspective, though despondency remains.

In a few days I will be removed from this to a fantasy world of service and sun. I will be waited on and satiated. I will have the luxury to linger in bed, or by a pool. I am escaping, momentarily the reality of my heavy heart, hoping a novel will provide elusion and diversion, refreshment and renewal.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I have enjoyed the calm of health and wellness. She returned to school and although things have happened, there has been little I could do - or really ever could. We have also had an addition to our home.

I did not birth her, though I was outside the door and saw her moments later. We have been a part of her life, even though she has lived in Alberta for the past ten years. Now, with their house for sale, and their life in limbo, she has joined our family to start school so that the transition will be easier when her parents join her. So now, Mikee has a gregarious voice, a bravado questioner, and ideas like "let's take yoga" or "let's shoot hoops at all the neighbours around and see if anyone comes out and yells at us". Mik would never think of this on her own...nor have the gumption to join a class at the rec centre by herself. Meadow allows her the freedom to do what she really wants to do, but lacks the courage. And so, this year is another change for us. Even one of her doctors has released her as a patient. She still sees Neurology and Neurosurgery for follow up, but the appointments are getting fewer and farther between. Normalcy. ahhhhhh.