Friday, December 31, 2010

Looking Forward

I have feared celebrating the lack of crisis lest the other shoe drop. How ridiculous is that? Life really must be back to normal as I can go days instead of hours thinking of seizures, tests, or signs of frailty. Even as I picked up a prescription for Mik, it bore no stigma of sickness or sadness, except at the till. This relief means change is coming.

In a few weeks I will begin a new job. A new career in fact. Many things will change. Meetings, board and bored meetings will go by the wayside. I will not attend my business group that has been part of my life for 15 years. I will most likely give up the hospital committee, the Rotary membership, and will not sit on my strata council.

The kids are prepared...recipes and instructions written out. It is hard to cook for vegetarians and carnivores every night...and so there may be less variety. It also difficult to explain how thick a roue, gravy or sauce should look...and precisely how much liquid should be added while stirring. I do this without measuring...without thought....and yet now I am trying to record everything so that the disruption to our family meals will be not be affected.

I am trying to provide order to the change...a smooth adaptation to the modification. Mik has been my ardent supporter. She encouraged me to get out of the house and spread my wings. She experienced cloistering with me. She saw my life adapt to her situation and fostered the transition that 2011 will bring. It seems there may be more change to come. A move? A change in the business? I honestly don't know what is coming....but I know that I am expectantly lingering and alert......and not for the other shoe to drop.

Friday, December 17, 2010

She had to do it all over again. Push, pull, follow, close, open, walk, poke with a toothpick, reflexes, finger to nose, nose to finger, the finale being a long look into the back of her eyes. The resident calls her a pro. Mik said it was because she had so much practice. This was probably the 100th neuro exam she has had, without exaggeration. She and I know the routine by heart.

We recall her incident of two weeks again. Sudden loss of strength that is prolonged. We recount times, behaviors, mannerisms, energy. We are assured as the CT Scan is clear that it was a blip. Something unexplainable. Something we might have never noticed if we had not been hypersensitive to neurology tests.

The doctors notice her hair immediately. The resident claims her mom would never allow dreads when she asked. I am sure her neurologist is not quite sure, but notices and comments on the new "style". (I can almost hear the quotation marks in her head). My sweet little daughter, resplendent in a Pointed Sticks tee and some kind of hemp hoodie looks so old and yet so young right now.

The exam complete, the team is pleased. They have increased her medicine at night for her "auras", but I could see there was relief for them as well. There was no talk of when to return either. They are confident enough that we will keep in touch if there is a change.

Is this enough for me?? For now?? It must be....To see they are pleased....relieved must assuage any fear that I hold...and so I will move forward from here....and I actually feel the confidence radiating from Mikee herself.....confidence in the future...in tomorrow..and that yesterday provided much of today...amen!.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

When a child complains that they have lost strength in the their arm, you might suggest that they have lifted something too heavy or strained a muscle. When Mikee tells me this, at first I paid no mind. The next day she sent me a message that her arm was really weak. My brain scrambles to find an explanation. I defer to Neurology and still have the number memorized. I am told she needs to come in. I am right by the hospital now but Mik is 35 kilometers away - so a round trip of 70. I ask if after school would work and he says she needs to come in immediately. He is concerned it could be a stroke or something serious. Panic mode sets in. I can feel my brain take over my body mechanically while I try to remain calm. We get in to Emergency as quickly as I can safely get there. It is all too familiar. She is hooked up to IV's, Neuro tests are done every few minutes. Our story repeated again and again. Mik is efficient. She knows what to do. Finger to nose, nose to finger. Push, pull, eyes left, right, left right. Shoulders up and down.

Next is a CT scan. We are in so quickly, I know they are concerned. In just moments our anxiety is released like the prick of a pin in a balloon. There is no cause for concern. We gather our things, wait for her IV to get removed and head home in the rain and dark.

Guilt almost invaded me. Guilt at rushing her in, unnecessary tests, perhaps unwarranted concern. The explanation was that she probably had lifted something too heavy or strained a muscle. But who can know?