Sunday, December 18, 2011

Periodically I am asked to update my blog....I want to.....there are things to say...but I can't right now.

My heart ached after meeting with Neurology and the prospect of 5 more years of meds. We have also had some really crappy weeks. My sleep is not as restful right now.

The minutia does not warrant archiving lest I spiral into the depths of depression. We are fine....we will muster the courage ..but some days I just cannot put on a happy face..... and any reminders to do so rile a fire deep inside me.

Much is still unknown on this reality no one is assured of following the flowchart of their plans in life...we have just been spared any delusion....

Monday, June 6, 2011

I am horrified if they think I am one of "those" mothers. We all know the kind.....dramatic mothers that crave attention for the slightest thing. Mothers that demand tests....treatment and talk about their child's woes nonstop. I have had the pleasure of meeting these moms in the waiting room at Children's on more than one occasion.

I get that this might be the only exciting thing that is happening in their life. I get that it is unintentional....that is borne of a deep love and concern.

Sitting in emergency last night I was acutely aware that I had brought her in for a stomach ache. I am not an alarmist. I consider myself a reasonable judge of situations at hand. I have tried to be level-headed amidst everything. But...when she has cried for a few days that her stomach is in pain....and she has had a history of swollen glands in her stomach....and when she is desperate for some kind of relief....I take her...yet again on the trek to Oak Street.

Research told me it could be her level of Carbamezapine was off. I also considered appendicitis briefly but realized that she was able to double over. She would intermittently cry in the waiting room, amidst broken arms and crying babies.

And so they prodded, dipped and poked her....results being her "levels" were great....her white count was fine. She did have inflammation...and he was concerned about where it was...but expected that if there was no vomiting he ruled out a twist in her bowel. We crept home in the wee hours of the morning....exhausted. I know I am not one of those mothers....and maybe they aren't really what I think they are either. Maybe next time the recollection of last night will remind me not to conclude anything in the moment of crisis.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Exhausted and invigorated...similar to how I feel about yoga some days. Spent and glowing at the same time. That is how the first few weeks have been. I am learning many new moves...some just out of practice. Today, aware of exactly where I fit, I was completely content. Stretching...oh yes. Awake at 4 a.m. with questions and reminders....mind alive...body trying, I force myself to awaken with the "breath of fire". Everything has changed these last few weeks. Responsibilities have shifted, calendars have adjusted and yet through it all a peace and calm. Last night when warning bells might have sent me spiraling into the abyss of worry, a deep breath and the binary code of logic began. Yes - incision hurts - Yes you have a headache - Yes you also have extra fluid in your sinuses indicative of swollen cheeks - No - I will not tag this incident - I will walk it through with my God given wisdom - and tonight - she is fine - albeit perhaps suffering a minor sinus infection. Meadow is complaining of her ailments too. Natural for a sixteen year old. And so, I end my day, exhausted and invigorated.