Sunday, December 30, 2012

She is Well

...and I think that the hovering is over...really...!? She has been traveling since November until the end of December...feeding, watering, medicating and navigating herself to get from Cairns to Melbourne. More than 3500kms of roads and self sufficiency. Her stories have quelled many of my fears.."I slept when needed...and mostly ate tomato and avocados with mangos from the trees"... She looks amazing and healthy at our meet...dropped by a taxi as the last 30kms were too difficult to navigate. We are all relieved to see her..smell and all. We move on to family reunion stuff...some great...some tension....8 people in a small apartment can get that way. 40 celsius will also melt all brains to mush and tensions, emotion and tempers will prevail beyond any and all reason... But...we are together. Anderson clan enjoying family.. A Tiki bar is a wonderful release of dance and party..though one 18 year old was over the limit and had 7 others escorting her home...She danced a dance and sang a song..but in the end she is a lightweight in the cocktail or shot department although she assured me that she was "completely fine...momma"..her swaying and slurring did not quell my suspicion that she had perhaps enjoyed the last few months more than I expected. The story I tell of her now is that of the adventurer...the one who jumped from a plane...swam the Great Barrier Reef, met travellers, slept with crocodiles and saw koalas... There is a release in my soul...

Friday, November 23, 2012

Chill

She is there with her sister experiencing Oz...specifically Melbourne. We skype with her before the "epic" part of the journey begins in Cairns. "Dad, please don't text me every few minutes..I can't text back...it is expensive!" she pleads emphatically. I appear to be the chill one. "He does that?" I query...."Really?" He is laughing, that embarrassed laugh a parent gets at being chastised. "I mean it Dad....puleeeezzzz." "You wait 'til you're a parent," he uses with puppy dog eyes reminding her how loyal he is. We bid adieu and still the reality of her adventure has not registered fully. I am trying to remain in denial. It is much easier as I have no control with her as far as away from me as almost possible on this earth. Nestled in bed uncomfortable, unbidden thoughts begin. What if she loses her purse and her medicine is in her purse.... I arise and text her sister, hoping she has not left the airport yet. Hoping her sister can remind her of all the things I want to say right now but can't. Back in bed thoughts are churning. Anxiety rises and falls with the placating of logic to quell the fear. The logic, just the reminder that I have trained her well enough to manage without me always. The logic also that nothing can be controlled....even "epic" adventures. I am sure she will have stories to tell of the Great Barrier Reef...of the kindness and unkindness of strangers...of how wonderful and awe inspiring places and moments and memories are. Love you my dear....have fun...

Friday, November 16, 2012

Journey to the other side of the world....

...alone...Vancouver to Sydney and then on to Melbourne... and she missed the flight to Melbourne. I am standing chatting with my team and saying how she is just landing when my Kimee texts that she missed the plane. Heart drops and then nervously I laugh at the joke on me. Our family does this...tease at the obvious that could happen.. She really did miss the flight. Apparently deplaning is a major event when you have been sitting for more than 15 hours... I am still waiting on her arrival in Melbourne. Geema is now tracking her plane. She's 37 minutes out was the last report...I am so grateful she has a computer and is part of the adventure.... The munchkin will soon arrive and then take off in a few days for an adventure down under. Snakes, spiders and jellyfish await her observation. This journey will be a lot like the last few years for us. Uncharted territory, scary moments and opening up to the big wide world that she had never experienced. As you follow the road in the land of Oz I hope you collect the people along the way that will lead you to where you want to go. See you down there honey!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Dreams

I have been having bad dreams of late..the kind that wake you - and others. Perhaps anxiety filled...perhaps a result of the coming adventure. Mik will embark on a journey alone.....Overseas to the land of Oz. An almost 18 hour flight solo...no protection but her dreads. I was not helped by the well-meaning comment to inquire about the blood clot the size of loon that still sits on the right side of the brain. I was not assuaged that she is confident - I know that now because the dreams that plague me seem to reveal the precarious emotional state that I feel placed in. To release her and yet want to still protect her. I am the mother-bird. The one that wants to push them from the nest and yet quickly soar beneath just in case the wings are not ready for the rush of wind. Can you fault me? Really? My life has been wrapped up in her protection. From a premature baby less than 4 pounds...and then to a brittle asthmatic...we moved valiantly to stages that felt normal until the world seem to stop for her and I. Her life was always balanced precariously with health. Struggling to survive, breathe and ultimately to live. I release her now, trying ever so hard to warn her of the perils of naivete as she ventures to Cairns and Byron Bay. I sense she is not as afraid of people as she is the fragility that her humanity has thrust upon her.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Congratulations to my hero. In dreads and lace, satin and grace. She sleeps now, let down from the lack of enthusiasm to celebrate in unison. Her picture of grad meant long talks with everyone to encourage them in the future. The last hurrah mixed with those that helped to shape part of who she had become. Borrowing sweaters or shoes was not what she expected. It needed some finality....some closure for her. Their paths will never cross again with many, and yet they experienced the highs and lows of elementary, middle and high school together. They participated in egg drops from the roof of the middle school, sailing a week on the BC Coast, camping on the island...and now to say goodbye is not a hug or a connection except for a need. I feel her pain...I am used to it now. As she walked across the stage, smiling with red kissy lips and poise as she mounted the stairs in her "wiggle dress", removed high heels and stood Mikee style the transition began. She said goodbye to many this morning at 6:00am... She isn't sure if they noticed her leave. That alone can make anyone sad. Years of seeing each other every weekday has so little effect. I want to tell her to get used to this. I want to warn her to guard herself from giving too much unless it can be done without return. She will learn many things along her path. Giving is always better..as long as you have something left for yourself. Loving is always best, even if it means you get less than you want. Congratulations to my hero. You jumped a huge hurdle, missing a year of school and many days down. You made it amidst your frailty at times. You made it through math and bio and many things that will never matter. You did it!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

normal

There are some days that blend into each other....days that remind us of normalcy. Routine. Though I am challenged to define normal. Normal 15 years ago would have meant 14 loads of laundry, a sick baby, chauffeuring kids to ballet, taekwando, piano, swimming, hockey, baseball, friends....Normal 5 years ago was cooking massive amounts of food for the gang of kids hanging at my house...Normal 2 years ago was dealing with dozens of seizures each day and trying ever so hard to pretend that this was okay.

I like that normal is always shifting shape...so really not routine. You get used to a phase, a stage and you adjust again.

Tonight is not normal. Tonight conjures up the heartaches 2 years ago. Endless seizures, crying, pleading, panic.

I need a new approach as I walk through this valley. I restrain myself from spiralling into the abyss of fear and worry. I resist forcing her to stay home from the party on Saturday.