Saturday, October 12, 2013


We said goodbye to Children's Hospital this week. She moves on to adulthood and adult decisions. I am at peace with this and with the choices she will make. I sat, mostly passive and listening until questioned. I let her explain her plans of folic acid, holistic nutrition and motorcycle riding. She justified the danger and her rebut was laced with the wisdom of someone who has not had control and yet flowed with it. Biking, at least you can look where you want to go...and usually get there. The intern reminds her of the lesion, the vulnerability of her head...She is nonplussed and responds when the neurologist echos the vulnerability, but is referring to all motorcyclists...not just her. I am suppressing a smile and the urge to repeat how dangerous it is to walk across a street in Vancouver, bicycle and a flurry of things come to mind. Biting my inner cheeks, I don't defend. I just smile and let them know that I ride as well. They are both wide-eyed and I don't think expecting this. Their warnings quell and turn to curiosity - as though I am an anomaly. There are some things you cannot explain.They have either never done it...didn't like it...or fear encompassed them and stole the joy of the wide open space that envelopes and takes you in to become a part of it. My hope is, for all my kids, that they will develop their own perspective, without prejudice; they will embrace new things and bank with the fear instead of trying to avoid it - that makes for a messy, dangerous corner. I hope they will know they cannot control everything, but that is not always negative. I want them to experience the twists of the roads, and the unknown around the corners...and be okay with that. I will be fine if the I-5 is their choice too. Predictable with clear road signs and lots of places along the way. There will still be junctions - choices and bumps and fear. That is life. I anticipate that they will have a mixture of the interstate with the wend and bend tree lined tarmac...and they will be fine.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

isn't it??

really all unknown? That is how I feel today. Having participated in a meeting that felt disjointed...someone popping in and out of the conversation - answering pagers - and reminding us he had to leave in less than 10 minutes. He is so important I expect...though as I reflect I believe this is in his own mind more than mine. How can someone in the field of caring for a patient expect a flit of attention is all that is necessary? A young man's life hangs in the balance of this. Someone hurt, confused and trying ever so hard to be heard over the din of that pager. I am mad...on a rampage really...and deeply saddened that all will not be right today. Articulation could not have happened for thoughts need space to emanate. If I am honest what I see is a wounded child trying ever so hard to be heard..and a beautiful person..

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Health - a blip can change things - sometimes temporarily, other times forever. Our vulnerability becomes apparent with the news of illness. For Mik, she is now on the worry-end of this. Visiting the hospital daily with her boyfriend. Trying to understand the doctors, the tests, the pills and what everything means. She is thrown into that world of hand-sanitizer and fluorescent lights...visiting hours and tiredness for both of them. My heart aches and breaks for her. She does not deserve this, is how I feel. Who does though? Watching her navigate this interruption I see she is the strongest person I know.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Notebook

watching the last few minutes of The Notebook...James Garner in tears when his love is upset and succumbing to dementia..instantly the recognition of how I feel when Mikee is having a seizure...helpless, speechless, frustrated, frail, did I mention helpless? For some reason it helped to see on film the emotion that has choked me and rendered me spent. The constancy of watching over her ended a while ago but every so often the reminder of the tornado that ripped through our lives arrives as a sign that she is still on too many pills and is too fragile for an 18 year old to deal with. I am grateful she does not appear to stew in the bitter juices of her reality.